Because i really wasn't expecting anyone to understand me. I don't even understand myself.
You know the super cliche saying? When there are many people around you, but still you feel so alone. For every single day of my life, i told myself that the word "alone" will never appear in my dictionary. But now, all i could think of is how i am going to deal with some things alone. How sitting alone in my study room can make me cry. How talking to someone can make me cry because it still seems like no one can hear what i am saying. Like no one can comprehend my words.

Perhaps all i need is a good cry. But it isn't easy to cry. Because i now see tears as a sign of weakness. I don't know how to place things in words. It's that bitter feeling you get in your throat. Tell me this is just pms and nothing other. I hate it when i get shouted at. Totally hate it. Because i have freaking thin skin (*more fats la*) that i cannot stand it when i get shouted at, or reprimanded.

Sometimes i feel like a goldfish in a pond. And the owner will look into the pond and say "see, the goldfish is happily swimming in the pond!" when the actual fact is that the goldfish is dying to get out. I don't know. There are so many things i want to say. So many things but i can never get my message across. You know how disgusting is it when i hear myself whine and stuffs. If i could just lay down on a large patch of grass and looking up on the clear blue sky for a day. Just for a day, i would be so contented. No need to be nice to anyone. No need to return any kind gesture. No need to just talk to people. No need to be responsible for anything. No need to think of how others will feel when i do something. No need to think of why people say certain things. Just lay down and think of nothing. If i could do that.

I don't want assurance from people. I don't want anything. I don't know what i want either. Perhaps, just to be a real meanie for a day? Where nice gestures from people are returned with a mean trick. When words can prick others. I don't know. When i just need not care about anyone and anything. If i could just scream at the top of my lungs.


At times, i also feeling like i am threading water. Perhaps right in the middle of some ocean where there doesn't seems to be an end under water. All i could do to stay alive is thread water. And now, it seems all i want to do is to stop threading. Because nut is super tired! Studying and reading things that doesn't make any sense to me. Trying to do sums that others use 1min to complete while i might use 10mins. Trying to get everything into my brain and to be careful that i don't make any silly mistakes when i go to the exam hall. Is it the exam stress adding on?


I find it pointless blogging too. I just want to vent whatever frustrations i have here.
Because afterall, i will still be the same girl smiling like a fool. Remember a post on how many people are afraid of clowns? I love clowns since young. Not really love, it's just that it seems like i see a "me" in them. Clowns. With dramatic painted face. With a smile that will never go. And at times, if you noticed some clowns, they have very broad smiles, but a tear on their faces drawn. Am i like a clown in my previous life?

I hate this feeling in me. I just want to find a quiet place to lay down and not talk. Hear the wind blow by. See the clouds form shapes. If life were that simple.

I hope, tomorrow can be a better day. I hope. Because I am tired. So drained of energy.

the day i started to hide in the toilet to just cry silently